I Will Not Be A Victim
About 15 years ago, I attended a speech similar to a TEDx event, hosted at the Circassian Charity Association in Amman.
The speaker, Sana Al Salem, gave a talk that has stuck with me ever since. It has shaped how I react to bad things.
In the talk, Sana shared many stories from her life that would make you sympathize with her deeply. Yet, her voice carried none of that tone. Her voice was that of someone in a place of power. It was obvious she was hurt, but not broken.
Later in the speech, she shared another story: her daughter was going through a rough patch. She came to her mother looking for comfort, looking for “It’s not your fault; you’re the victim” and a pat on the head, but Sana gave her something better: “What you’re going through sucks; I don’t disagree with you. But you either play the victim and surrender or get up and take matters into your own hands. Which will you choose?”
This blew my mind. No secret recipe, just a hard-to-follow simple rule.
GET. UP.
Yes, sometimes bad things happen to us. But we don’t have to curl up in a corner and surrender.
Our Prophet (Peace and blessings be upon him) lost two of his most loved people in the same year: his uncle who protected him from Quraish, and the love of his life, the first believer, his wife Khadija (RAA). And what did he do? He continue calling to Islam. Yes, He (Peace and blessings be upon him) was so sad that the year became known as the Year of Sorrow.
We can feel sad, and still get up.
From that speech onward, I had a vague direction. I knew the destination, but the path was foggy. At 16, with a limited number of bad things that had happened to me, Alhamdulillah, I didn't have a clearer vision.
I knew I should get up, but something felt off.
I didn’t know how to resolve the conversation of “But X has done wrong by me.” Do I just ignore them? Confront? Forgive?
What about bad things that are recurring?
The answer came about a decade later.
A few years ago, I was reading a book by Derek Sivers called “Hell Yeah or No,” and it had a chapter called “Everything Is My Fault.” In that chapter, he was basically saying that when something bad happens to you, first look for the part you could have influenced, because that’s the part you can learn from and change next time.
He mentions an example that if someone scammed him and ran with his investment money, he could’ve been more cautious about the scammer’s games. It flips the switch from helpless to empowered.
Derek’s idea crystallized Sana’s idea in my head. I don’t only get up; I do so with a plan. Instead of “I’ll get up and endure”, it’s turned into “I’ll get up, and actively search for a solution.”
The key part is owning your part in what contributed to the outcome. If Derek said, “The investment guy was a bad guy; he used me, and I’m a victim,” he’s placing himself in a position of weakness. He’s a victim, and he can’t do anything. “The investment guy was a bad guy; he used me, but I also wasn’t careful with him” places him in a position of power; he’s not helpless anymore. He owns a part of the problem, and next time he’ll be more careful.
Now I want to be clear: what Derek is suggesting here is not a self-blame framework. It’s a “trick” to force yourself into actively participating in problem-solving. Nor does it absolve the perpetrator of anything; they still bear 100% of the responsibility for the crime, and it's obviously not always applicable; a child suffering from parental abuse can assume no causal contribution.
Looking back on Sana’s stories, it is obvious to me now; this was obvious to her. She did not sit down and endure; she actively participated in making sure she did not endure the same wound twice.
It’s amazing to me how long ideas can take to properly crystallize. It is also amazing to me how you can influence someone’s life without knowing it.
For the foreseeable future, I think I have a clearer framework to work with. To the best of my power, I will not choose victim mode. When something bad happens to me, I will first think about what I did that contributed to it. I will not claim helplessness. I will own my part and do the next best thing. I will learn from my mistake and, to the best of my power, prevent it from happening again.
If someone steals my money, they are 100% in the wrong, and I probably contributed by not securing it better; I will use better locks today so they won’t steal from me tomorrow.
If someone bullies me, they are 100% in the wrong, and I probably contributed by not standing up for myself. I will smash their face today so they won’t do it again tomorrow.
I will not be a victim.